You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
