Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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