put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
