im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
