omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
