Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
