Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
