You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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