So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
