i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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