I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
