Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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