i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
