I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
