I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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