I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
