He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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