Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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