I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
