oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
