Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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