Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
