Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My ass is underappreciated
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
