we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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