I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
