Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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