I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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