Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
