I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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