i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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