The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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