12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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