WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
