Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
