By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
