I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
