Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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