did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
