Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
