why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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