Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
