If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You were trust falling into bushes
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
