the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
