I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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