I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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