i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think I just sharted jello shots
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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