Sponge bath it is.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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