im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
