sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
