it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
