There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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