apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You've changed since you got that strap on
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
