grandma shit on top of the toilet
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
