I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
